The Last Testimony of Mr. Jones   

I felt the icy chill as the 8,000-foot Sierra air cut through my Hoberg-Jones Parka with the patented moisture control lining.  I was glad that I had also decided to purchase the High Alt Jumpsuit, along with  the Trudger Hybrid boots.  Without my special outfit on, I doubt if I could stand the cold at all.  As I trudged the last few feet to my 2004 Hindenburg 4-wheel all-terrain-family-fun-and-serious-backwoods Rover, I felt a surge of tremendous relief and gratefulness for my relationship to God. He had seen to it that I had been supplied with only the best equipment and vehicles. I felt truly blessed.  Mixed with that emotion, I also felt an equally terrible sense of sympathy for the poor souls who had to live in this terrain, with just their clothes and tents to protect them from the frigid winter season.

I made it to the rover. My fingers, almost numb with the cold  (except that I had the finest gloves that money can buy, the famous skin-tight Mollucks by Virge, Inc.), found the keyless and pressed the button. I heard the homey bell and the door popped open despite the heavy coat of frozen ice, thanks to the fact that I had decided to buy that option. I jumped elatedly inside and started the engine. 

No problemo! The ignition started right up, and thank you God, the heater was on and working fine. 

As I began to thaw out, I thought of the verse “Blessed is he who considers the poor; the Lord will deliver him in time of trouble.”  So, I considered how horrible it must be out there in the cold with nothing more than a few clothes and a flimsy tent. They must be freezing! At the thought, I felt chilled and instinctively turned up the heat on the now toasty Climate-Perfect controls. I reached for my Jesus Loves You Food Buddy. Ah, now that’s living! There inside were the best looking ham and cheese sandwiches a person could ever want to make a quick meal of. And there was my hot coffee in the vacuum-sealed chrome canister. Perfect. Now I could relax and think about my blessings. 

When I finished off the last sandwich with the final gulp of coffee, I knew it was time to go.  

I put the old girl in 4-wheel drive and she took off with grace and power. I pulled out onto the highway that now had about a foot of new snow.  The wind continued to blow a few flakes, but the storm had mostly subsided.  I had not obtained what I had come for, but I was now ready to go home, back to my 4,000 sq. ft. domicile I call home. I could almost feel the spa water lapping on my chest. I would fire up the 57-inch T.V. and watch a good Christian movie. This would help relieve the images I had seen of the camps of the poor aborigines. I saw some of them hitchhiking even as I started down the final grade. Poor souls, I wonder where they thought they were going. There are laws in force that stop them from trampling over the good land of the law-abiding citizens from where I come.  It is a good thing we have strict laws about not picking up hitchhikers.

While thus contemplating my good fortune, I was caught completely by surprise when the tree fell on my vehicle!  It was a good-sized tree; good enough to squash the hood down into the engine.  They tell me if it had been a split second later, the tree would have crushed down the cab and me with it. The windshield cracked but held. I must admit, I was shocked from my reverie. I was only going about 15 miles an hour, but now I wasn’t going anywhere. I instantly thought of God. I prayed “Lord, please get me out of here as quickly and painlessly as possible.” 

Almost as soon as I had finished praying, even while the engine was still running, some of the hitchhikers I had passed up came running up to my vehicle. They came up to my window, which I made sure was rolled up.  They have a certain smell about them, and it is illegal to smuggle anything in or out of their reservations. A couple of them were shouting to me, but I could not make out what they were saying over the Songs of Praise XXXIV CD I was playing ( I had turned up the volume so I could concentrate on the goodness of the Lord ). Then they began to tug on the tree. There were about 4 or 5 of them, but it was kind of hard to tell, what with the snow flurries and the tree in my face. One of them looked to be a young woman; another was an old man with a long, unkempt beard. They all wore monkish cloaks so it was hard to tell.

It may be hard for you to believe, but just these few people were able to pull that huge tree off my vehicle. They had no equipment like chainsaws, of course, so the task was somewhat of a miracle.  I could have saved them some trouble if they weren’t so anxious to help me. I have a real nice winch set-up on my front bumper. The Hindenburg, although seriously smashed, was in perfect running order. It’s hard to damage one to point of keeping it off the road. I thanked God right then and there for protecting me and answering my prayer. He was even using the heathen to provide for me. 

Having been freed of the bulk of the tree, I backed up. I actually hit one of the helpers with my rear bumper, but he was knocked clear of any real injury. Showing their typical crudity, he began to shake his fist at me, mouthing no doubt some obscenity.  God will certainly judge these unstable souls. They think that by helping someone they’re going to heaven, but they don’t understand that they must just love Jesus in their hearts and it makes no difference what good deeds they do. I smiled appreciatively at them and pointed to my Jesus Loves You window decals. I looked around for something to pay them back with. The only food remaining in my lunchbox was a couple of apples. I quickly rolled down by window and threw them out into the snow. I also threw a pamphlet out there telling them that Jesus loves them and all they have to do is say the sinner’s prayer. 

Typical of these unrefined people they managed to toss a small piece of paper back into my vehicle before I had gotten the window back up.  I rolled on out of there, making sure everyone was O.K. ( the person I had accidentally bumped was limping a little but getting around just fine.  I prayed to God to make him learn to have more respect and also to help him get over his tiny injury quickly.  I am sure God heard me because I really love that person in my heart ). I noticed that the apples were gone, so they must have been richly blessed by my generosity. I understand that they don’t get much fresh fruit or vegetables up here. If they would turn to God, I’m sure they would do better. 

I drove easily around the mass of the tree, got back onto the road, and made the rest of the trip safely. I am now back at my comfortable home, relaxing in the spa. The piece of paper they threw into my vehicle I put into my shirt pocket. I can see it sticking out. I reach over and pull it out to read it. It is two sentences “Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, In as much as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me. And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal. – Matthew 25:45,46.” This made me feel all the more blessed. Someone is getting the Scriptures to them, even if they don’t know what they mean. Also, it was clear to me that God was also confirming to me how righteous I am apart from any works and that I am going to life eternal based solely upon my heart’s love for Him. Besides, I think maybe they were thanking me for the two apples. Praise God!  

That’s funny, the remote control on the TV isn’t working.  I guess I’ll lean over and turn on the TV..."